I admit: I was a bit scared throughout my pregnancy. I was scared of hearing those words “I can’t hear a heartbeat” again. I felt a wave of relieve whenever I heard my baby’s heartbeat during my monthly prenatal check-ups.
Prishantha Chetty, a blogger friend, told me this week that Babyloss Awareness Week is every year during 9 to 15 October. Prishantha is creating awareness for an event held about Babyloss Awareness Week today in Johannesburg.
It’s weird, because I had a miscarriage on 11 October 2014. So every year this time, I think of the baby I had lost.
I was about 11 weeks pregnant when it happened. I woke up that morning and found that I was bleeding. I didn’t tell anyone about it, I just cried a lot. I phoned my manager from work, because it was my work-weekend. She advised me to see my doctor.
I then phoned my doctor, but he was off that weekend. I was referred to another doctor, who then checked me out.
He told me the most disturbing thing. “I don’t hear any heartbeat.”
Shortly thereafter I was told I should get a vacuum aspiration. It’s an operation where the contents in your uterus are removed.
I didn’t want to call my husband, because I didn’t want to disappoint him. I called him anyways. At that time I lived in Port Elizabeth and husband lived in Johannesburg, because of work.
A day or so after the incident, husband arrived – with the financial help of friends. He would have taken a bus to Port Elizabeth, but friends chipped in and bought him a flight ticket instead. This gift was a surprise. We were really grateful for this.
Anyway, my second pregnancy was last year. I was a bit scared, because I was reminded of the first one. Whenever I got negative thought coming up, I would push it away. I kept telling myself I didn’t want to disturb my baby with negative vibes. I was sure whatever I felt, she could sense it too.
I had negative thoughts come up throughout the pregnancy. A flicker of fear that I might lose my baby, came up.
Here’s things that helped me stay positive throughout my pregnancy:
I MADE AN EFFORT TO SAVE THE MEMORIES
1. I wrote to a few mommy- and baby magazines and asked how I could be on their cover. Yes, I know. If you know me, you would know I am a shy person. I would rather be behind the camera than in front of it. Eventually a magazine journalist came back to me and said: “We do mommy diaries where you have to submit a monthly diary of each week of your pregnancy. You could agree to that?”
Writing every week was tough, because some weeks would feel the same. You don’t want to give same old, same old stories. But I kept going.
I committed to writing for someone rather than keeping my own diary, because I knew I would be inconsistent if I didn’t have a deadline.
Also, they took photos of me every month. So, because I wrote the diaries for them for free, they are giving me the photos of the shoots (of every month) for free after the diaries are published.
2. I would sometimes take pictures of myself and my belly. Then I’d share it with my parents and close friends. I didn’t want to share on Facebook. Only at a later stage, I shared the news on Facebook and posted a photo.
I READ ABOUT MY UNBORN BABY’S WEEKLY DEVELOPMENTS
Every week I would read about how my baby is growing. Sometimes I would share this with a friend or family member. I would also talk to my unborn baby about her growth inside of me.
I TALKED TO MY UNBORN CHILD
I usually spoke to my child after work while I was driving home. I would also do it when while doing something like cooking.
INVOLVED MY FAMILY
I asked her daddy to read to her. Sometimes he would talk to her or sing for her.
My parents sometimes send voice clips via WhatsApp of them talking to my baby. This was so that baby could get used to their voices.
Losing a baby, whether through a miscarriage or birth or death is heavy. You never forget your baby and you get those days where you just want to mourn them.
It helped me to talk about the loss. I felt that if people didn’t go through that experience, they wouldn’t understand. So eventually I found people to talk to that went through it too.
Even if you don’t know what a person is going through, just being a good listener to them is enough.
The words “I don’t know what to say” was nice to hear. To me it meant: “I don’t know what to say, but I want to. So I will be honest and humble enough to say that, and this is my way of saying ‘I am here for you.'”
Thank you for reading about my experience. If you have gone through losing a baby, let me know how you learned to cope.
LOOSING A CHILD
Its the most painful thing that could ever happen to any parent. This pain you could never wish it on your worst enemy.
I lost a baby too on the 26 may 2015 at 24 weeks due to a weak cervix. Its so unfortunate when your gynaecologist doesnt pick it up. And when the baby comes the doctors cant save him because you dont have a medical aid and the public hospitals dont have the resources to help either. So me and hubby had to watch our baby boy gasp for air and there was nothing we could do but to let go.
How does one do that, when its your first. Anyways it dont matter whether its first, middle, last, a child is a child and loosing one is a horrible expirience. I talked to family, told friends and my friends came to visit after the event which i realy appriciate. My husband was very supportive and i was to him as well. People tend to think man do not need that much support but they do. We still think about our baby.
I’ve kept a lot of his things that proves he existed and for therapy on my side. I kept things like his scans, clinic card, my first positive test. It also heals to write a journal after the event too. The worst think at this time is to speak to people that will tell you: ” you are still young you’l have another”, ” stay strong your a woman now”, ” that child was not yours”, ” life has troubles its not a bed of roses”, ” it must be that tattoo, they have bad spirits”. Though it was a temp tattoo!!!
One lady though said something to me and i really appreciated that. She said: “I know it hurts and its still going to hurt for a long time. I dont know how you will heal or get better, there is no remedy. All you need is to mourn, cry if you have to, do what you want. Dont loose hope though, God will give you another. One thing though youl never forget the event, the date, youl forever count.”
I liked that she was genuine and I didn’t need people to tell me weird statements.
I am currently good now. I dont think that much about him as i did when the event happened. I had times i would go to sleep wishing when i woke up it wasnt true. I shifted my focus to other things that were on hold for a while after that. I had to make sure after a week i went back to work to face the questions, people crying for me and had to hold myself together. I focused on my hubby, my career. I just had to heal.
Now we talk about him without crying or being miserable. We just celebrate his existence.
Thank you Mel for opening up about this. The society tells us to keep quiet about these things whilst we are dying inside. All woman need to know that these things happen. You dont have to hide and be alone. You need to share and make others aware.
Wow Mandisa, I applaud you for being so honest. I am so so sorry you had to go through that. It’s like you say: you do not want anyone to ever experience that. Thank you for celebrating your baby’s life. We also gave our baby we miscarriaged a name, we lit a candle for her and said goodbye. I still think about him or her when it’s suppose to be their birthdate. I am thinking of you my friend, always xoxo